Helpful Procrastination Hints from the World's Best Procrastinator

It's finals. You should be studying. OR SHOULD YOU? Here are the absolute BEST ways to procrastinate writing that lame 20 page paper that's due tomorrow.

1. GO PLAY OUTSIDE NOW. 
I don't know whose idea it was to put finals in the nicest part of the year, but that person must've been a masochist to the max. It's been blizzarding and sleeting and just plain miserable outside ALL semeester, and now that it's beautiful outside, we are supposed to stay in a library and read? Please. I'll read when I'm dead.

Go play outside. (Study if/when it rains.)

2. Watch Every Rebel Wilson YouTube Video on the Internet

Start with this one. And just go on a spree. Rebel on Jimmy Fallon, Rebel on Leno, Rebel anywhere. It's great. But while you've got this Rebel and Ellen video pulled up, you might just wanna spend some quality Youtube time with Ellen as well. But that's not an entirely new idea, why don't we make that
2.5. Watch Ellen videos on YouTube. Ellen scaring people is pretty great. Actually, Ellen in general is pretty great, so she is a great way to spend procrastination time too.

3. BuzzFeed
Videos of cats dressed as sharks on a rumba vaccuum cleaner chasing a duckling... I mean does it get any better?? Maybe if you like lists about why the 90s were the best, or pictures of puppies, or just hilarious reflections on the latest in politics. BuzzFeed is the world's best way to procrastinate.

4. Just kind of being 20 or 21 or 22.
Life is short. Maybe you should take a random trip to Central Park or Coney Island or even to a random coffee shop in Brooklyn. One of my favorite memories of last semester is the time my friends and I got Dunkin and sat in the parking lot and watched a storm roll in above us. It was so simple, but so awesome. Time with friends. I don't know. It's fun.

These are just a fewwwww ideas. And don't seriously mess up your finals by procrastinating. But a healthy break from the library every now and then is warranted. 

Why is everyone so horrible at dating in their twenties?

I'm gonna be upfront. This week's entry was inspired by this entirely too real post from BuzzFeed. It talks about dating in your twenties, and it's the most real thing I've seen in years. Take a gander.

But as the BuzzFeed article points out, and as my fragmented soul also points out, people in their twenties are THE ABSOLUTE WORST at dating, or really, just being decent human beings in general... But that just sounds irrational and rude, so let me explain in a structured manner, okay?

1. High school dating was easy, and now, everything sucks.

In high school, you and your significant other could just be a boss, and the pressure was minimal. If you didn't go out to dinner all the time, or if the height proportions between the two of you weren't perfect, it didn't matter because you were high school students, and love was a new thing. It was something fresh and exciting, and just being together was enough. Sure you could get hurt, but you could recover quickly, because pressure was low and there were 20 other boys or girls in your class who you could date. We were all growing together, and mistakes weren't really mistakes because no one gets married in high school... But now that we're in our twenties, the pressure is on, and every mistake we make is another reason for someone to stop dating us.

Thanks, high school, for these wonderfully realistic expectations about what dating is like.
^sarcasm

2. The misconception that: if you're not having sex, you're bad at dating. WTF. Who thought this was a cool thing to tell the entire 20-29 y/o populace?

Maybe I am nun, or maybe I should have lived in the 1820s, but the pressure to "hook up" - no matter how you define "hook up" - is really annoying. All anyone talks about on a Saturday or Sunday is who they woke up next to that morning, or what weird and exotic things they tried with their boyfriend/girlfriend of three days the night before. (Don't get me wrong, I understand that it's fun, and like, of course I've made mistakes before or whatever.) But I also know that it's hard to completely separate the physical from the emotional. I'm sure most of the male species will disagree and want to murder me, but physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are directly correlated and you can't expect one to exist without the other. Hooking up will surely complicate any relationship - whether it's a friendship or acquaintanceship - and things will be messy, messy, messy.

So. Am I crazy for wanting to know someone's last name or like, go on a few dates before really hooking up? Maybe I am a nun. Or maybe I'm Shoshanna from Girls. Whatever. #noregretz

3. Twenty-six is the new fourteen, aka the Age of "What Is Going On" and the Era of "Who Am I?"

I don't know if it's social media or the changin' times or what, but nowadays, people are still figuring themselves out at age 26 and on into their thirties. And maybe it's always been that way, but my parents got married at 21 and 22. I am NO WHERE near ready to get married. I need to figure myself out before I can add someone else to the mix and expect it to be smooth sailing. In our twenties, we change jobs and career paths, we move cities, we volunteer in Africa, and who the heck can do that stuff on tope of a serious relationship? Not me.


I don't know.
I say all of this to explain why dating sucks so much in your twenties. But the frustrating reality is that I would love to be in a stable relationship. And I would settle down if I met the right person. And everyone says that's weird, but like, don't we all want that? Isn't that why we date?
For now, it's a frustrating back-and-forth between wanting to date everyone and wanting to date no one, because everyone is awful at dating and moreover everyone is awful at being decent human beings. I only know one couple in their twenties that is doing it right, but I think they're the exception to the rule. So congrats, Nikki and Michael.


As for me. I'm just going to date Nutella until someone more perfect (if that's even possible) comes along.

Things You Need Right Now to Enjoy the Warmer Weather

The windows on this Ram Van are rolled down, flowers are blooming, tank tops are out, and if you're like me, you are READY TO ENJOY THIS WEATHER. So, here's a list of things you'll need if you want to have a flawless Spring and Summer. You're welcome.

1. Margaritas
Like, a lot of margaritas. I don't care if you're a guy, or a girl who is "watching her weight," no one is too good for a margarita. Also. I recently discovered that Chipotle sells margaritas! Is there anything better than a fast food marg? NO.

(I'm pretty sure Ghandi said this^, so you need to respect it...)

2. A dog, or a friend who will let you borrow their dog. 
This is the time to exercise in the park. It is also the time for spring-flings or summer lovin'. Only a dog can run with you, AND attract strangers (who are hopefully attractive.) "Oh my gosh. Is this your dog? He's adorable! And so are you!" ...happily ever after.

3. A volleyball or a frisbee.
Something sporty enough to make you look at least a little athletic at the park or on the beach, but something soft enough that won't hurt when you miss it and it hits you in the face. Trust me, I know.

4. Connections
You MUST make friends with someone who lives on the Jersey Shore, has a house in the Hamptons or your summer will be significantly less fun. Maybe this is incredibly superficial, but do what you need to  to find one of these people. It'll be one of the most important relationships in your life. #richfriends

5. Abs
Everyone wants to flirt with someone who has nice abs. If you don't have abs, paint them on, or invest in one of these...

(leave the potato chips at home though.)

That's all for today. Get outside and ENJOY THIS WEATHER!

"A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you."

I don't think this is really the right venue for this, and I doubt any of you will care about this at all, but these are heavy words and I don't want to carry them inside too much longer. The words aren't a burdensome kind of heavy, but they're heavy with emotions - love, pride, loyalty, affection, protectiveness, joy, shared memories.


Whatever.

I want to write about my friend, so I will. If this post even conveys three percent of the incredible person she is, then I'll be satisfied. And I promise, at least some of this post will be funny. So read it.

Tara 

(This is Tara and I at the VIP after-party for the Australian Ballet's premier of Swan Lake. nbd.)

This past summer, I visited Tara and her family in Buffalo, New York for fun. Tara and I went to see the new Batman movie, and when we got out of the theatre, the sun was beginning to set. The weather was beautiful, and Tara looked around, checked her watch, and turned to me. "Come on. Let's go," she said. She turned, and ran to her car. I chased after her, and I hardly buckled my seat belt before she put the pedal to metal. The minivan probably neared 180 mph, or at least that's what it felt like. We drove up, up, up to the top of a hill, and she slammed the car into park once we reached the top. "Come on! Come on!" She hopped out of the car and ran to a grassy area at the end of the parking lot. What the hell is going on? I thought.  When I finally caught up to her, I lost my breath. I got it. I got why she was running, and speeding, and why our minivan doubled as a spaceship for ten minutes. She wanted to beat the sunset. And she did.

At the top of the hill, there was a wooden hanging swing. We sat on the swing, and I'm sure whatever words I have won't accurately describe what we saw. 

The sky was burning pink and orange and soft purple clouds streaked the sky. Way far away, windmills spun on the cliffs overlooking Lake Eerie, or at least that's what Tara told me they were. We played our favorite song on my phone, and watched the sun sink into the lake. A light breeze lifted the hairs on the back of my neck, and with the sun, and the music, and my best friend next to me on this swing, I felt perfect. Like. To quote The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is one of my favorite books, I felt "infinite."

I would've been okay staying there, in that moment, forever. 

But since that's impossible, I have to be content with just being her best friend in all the places that aren't a hilltop overlooking Lake Eerie. But that's fine with me too. She is so giving and sincere and selfless and we laugh so much and we drink coffee and drink other things and get up early to study together and go visit my grandma and I honestly wouldn't trade any of these memories for anything. But that time on the hill is a pretty good memory, and I that's why I shared it.

And in case this post wasn't annoying enough already, here's some Taylor Swift lyrics that make me think of her:

Will you take a moment, promise me this
That you'll stand by me forever
But if God forbid fate should step in
And force us into a goodbye
If you have children some day
When they point to the pictures
Please tell them my name
Tell them how the crowds went wild
Tell them how I hope they shine

Long live the walls we crashed through
I had the time of my life, with you
Long, long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid
Singing, long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
And long, long live that look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders
One day, we will be remembered.

The Worst Kinds of Ram Van (or subway/bus/plane/train) Riders

Alright. So perhaps my blog isn't Fordham-centric enough to support a title like #RamVanRants. So while I brainstorm another title, here's a post that brings this a little closer to home, which for me, is basically the Ram Van.

There are a a few types of people who (sorry to say it) completely and totally suck to be stuck next to on the Ram Van. Here they are:

Cell Phone Sally

I don't mean to stereotype this rider as female, but in my experience, the chattiest cell phone talkers tend to be girls, giving their best friends relationship advice for thirty minutes straight... Every single other passenger is dead quiet, but Cell Phone Sally is shrieking advice into her pink iPhone 5 like the rest of us really want to hear it too. "No. Maggie. Just call him and ask if he's sleeping with Kate. She's filthy, and if he's even friends with her, you shouldn't even waste your time on him anyway. Trust me, girl. Okay. Kisses. Bye."

Cool. Keep it classy, Cell Phone Sally.

Doesn't-Understand-Headphones Dan

I love listening to music on the Ram Van, or subway, or whatever - especially if there's a Cell Phone Sally around. However, I use headphones, and I use them correctly. But apparently, knowing how to use headphones correctly is a rare talent that an astounding amount of Ram Van Riders don't have. A brief description of how to use headphones: 

1. Wear them on your head, over your ears. 

2. Play music loud enough so that you can hear it, BUT NOT LOUD ENOUGH THAT EVERYONE WITHIN A HALF MILE CAN HEAR IT. 

3. Enjoy your music.

Step two is where Doesn't-Understand-Headphones Dan goes wrong. For some reason, he thinks headphones represent the opportunity to share his music tastes with the rest of Ram Van. No, Dan, that's what a radio is for. Headphones are an invention that allow you to enjoy your music within the confines of your own head. Turn that volume down, Dan.

Cuddly Cody

This last one might be my least favorite kind of Ram Van Rider. You know when you're on the Ram Van, and there are like, ten seats still open and the driver is getting ready to leave, because there's only a minute until departure time, and then one last minute rider hops on? But whatever, it's chill, right, because there are ten empty seats on the van. Right? 

WRONG. Cuddly Cody picks the seat next you because that's a totally normal thing to do. UGH. I WISH IT LEGAL TO TAZE PEOPLE LIKE THIS. CUDDLY CODY YOU DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT. 

Stupid Mistakes

I usually write about something fluffy or funny or just about alcohol in general, but I did something stupid this week. I invited an ex to come stay with me in NYC for a week this summer. 

I'm sure you're probably thinking, that was stupid, or you can still get out of that, or something along those lines. But the strange truth is that I don't think I regret it. I know we aren't right for each other in the slightest, but some part of me - the lonely part, I guess - is hoping that this visit actually happens. 

I think it's because your ex knows you, you know? Knows what makes you tick, knows what you're comfortable doing physically, knows what you need emotionally... Whether or not they actually do those things is another story. 

But even as I'm writing this, I'm hating the words that I type. I sound pathetic and needy and whiny. But I think that, in my mind, maybe things might work out this time around (but I know they won't, or at least that they shouldn't. Lest my emotional stability be tossed to the wind.) 

I'm hoping I'm not the only person who does stupid stuff like invite their ex to stay with them for a week. I know I'm at least a little more emotionally stable than the four main characters on Girls.... 

But not by much. 

My cousin is cuter than yours...

Super short post because this is the craziest week of my life. But here's my cousin.

You can be jealous.