Everything you need to know about the Oscars in case you missed them

1. Jennifer Lawrence is a flawless human being.
First there was Jesus. Then Beyoncé. Now we have Jennifer Lawrence. Sure she fell on her way up to accept her best actress Oscar (at age twenty-freaking-two), but whatever. She looked beautiful, and she fell just to remind us that she is a human and we aren't so different, us and her. She also made these sixteen faces throughout the night.

What. A. Boss.

Then, after winning best actress, she took a shot and answered questions for the press. This was the incredibly awesome result.

And finally, in case you aren't totally convinced, just see what happened when Jack Nicholson totally fangirled out over J-Law.

2. Seth MacFarlane was sort of funny, but mostly just sexist.
We knew going into the evening, that the Family Guy creator would likely be offensive, and definitely a little edgier in terms of his comedy. But to what degree? Well, instead of targeting certain celebs directly, MacFarlane seemed to target whole groups in his jokes, but what ended up happening was just kind of a vague sense of sexism and racism and homophobia in his stint as host. For example: his boobs song in the show's first five minutes:

In a place that has only recognized a woman as best director once in its 85 year history, sexist jokes might not have been the best route to take to score laughs, but who am I to say? I wasn't asked to host... yet.

3. Adele was as perfect as you thought she'd be

She won the "Best Original Song" Oscar for "Skyfall." Also, she has a last name and it's Adkins. Whaddyaknow...

4. The presenters were more fun to watch than the winners

For example:

- Renee Zellweger couldn't see or read the envelope. TWICE

- Meryl Streep is so badass that she didn't even open the envelope to announce Daniel Day Lewis as best actor

- Google Sandra Bullock Oscar envelope. Right now. Do it.

Let me know if you have any other questions. But you probably won't. Those are all the highlights.

What I Learned at Convention (AKA Camp for Grown Ups)

I should be honest. I'm not writing this week's post from the Ram Van. I'm writing this one from an American Airlines plane and right now I'm probably somewhere over Pennsylvania... maybe? I'm headed home from the NACA Convention in Nashville. NACA stands for National Association of Campus Activities... But being at convention (which is basically sleep away camp for grown ups) has made me realize a few things about groups and what makes people excited when they're in big groups. It's kinda sad...

1. People Will Cheer For Anything
So at this convention, there were several "main stages" which featured comedians and magicians and singers, and after the seventh main stage, something struck me. People will cheer for anything, especially when prompted. It got out of hand. People were looking for a chance to cheer every other sentence.

Example A - Day 1:
Magician: Thanks, for having me. My name is Mitchell and I grew up in New York City.
Everyone from New York or anyone who has been to New York: *loud applause and cheers*

Example B - Day 2:
Comedian: Hey guys, I was at McDonald's the other day...
Everyone who has been to McDonald's: *cheering* YES! Me too, oh my God!!! Big Macs and value meals!!

Example C - Day 4:
Singer: So I broke up with my girlfriend last week.
Everyone who has ever had a girlfriend, thought of a girl, is a girl, or has seen a girl ever: *loud applause* YES! Girls! Friends! Me too! I know about those!! *cheers*

Not even kidding. Mob mentality at its finest. (Shout out to Mrs. Ingram, my high school freshman year English teacher, who taught me about mob mentality). People just like to yell, and when the group next to them is yelling, they just want to yell louder. If you're yelling, then I'm yelling, and I will yell louder than you because I want people to envy my yelling talents. But by the end of the week, people were cheering about things that they didn't even know about or that were relatively depressing. (See example C). It was weird.

2. People Will Take a Picture with Anyone (or Anything)
So at this convention, there was a wide array of C and D list celebrities that spoke to these overzealous, crazy-cheering audiences. From a character on NBC's Parks and Rec who has only a few more lines than the desk she sits at (not saying I don't like it; she's hilarious) to a former child star who quit acting, raced cars for a little while, and is now in a band, these Hollywood hotties graced us with their presence at the convention this week. But of course, the crowds at the convention didn't treat them like normal humans, or even normal actors. No. At a convention, everything is the most exciting. So crowds waited for hours on end to take a picture with these "big stars" in hopes that the picture will get at least 12 likes on FaceBook.

Also, I don't know why I keep saying "these people" or "the crowds." I did the same damn thing, because f*ck it. It's convention.

Here's me and some friends with Retta from Parks and Rec.

 Here we are again with Frankie Muniez who was slightly famous ten years ago...

And here's me with a monkey.

And a boa constrictor.

Yolo.

3. Conventions are more exhausting than 14 back to back marathons 
Look, I don't know how it happens, since conventions mostly consist of watching performances, taking photos with people or things that don't matter, and eating, but I was exhausted at the end of every day. Granted, we had full schedules from 9 to midnight most days, but nothing in those schedules were physically demanding. Nonetheless, I hardly made it back to the hotel bed each night before I passed OUT.

It must be some weird phenomenon. Like how Paris makes people more romantic and the south makes people less open minded, conventions make people more exhausted. I don't know. But it helps explain why people were cheering for things that they absolutely didn't need to cheer for by the end of the week. They were exhausted and delirious. Obviously.

When Mother Nature Strikes: A College Student's Survival Guide

NATURAL DISASTER. WHAT DO WE DO?!?!?!?!?!

Between Hurricane Sandy and Nemo the Blizzard, I have become an expert on what it takes to outwit Mother Nature, when she comes at you swingin'... at least if you're on a college campus. So here for your information - free of charge - is the foolproof list of things every college student needs to survive a hurricane or blizzard.

1. Alcohol
A lot of people think, "Oh dear, let me stock up on water or soup in case I'm stuck in my home during this storm." That kind of thinking will ensure the most boring of all storms. Listen. If you want water during a storm, throw open the window and hold a cup out there for a little while. It'll be full in no time.

Alcohol on the other hand, is necessary to storm survival for many reasons. If you start stressing that your dorm room is about to float away with the flood waters, take a sip of wine, and you're automatically less anxious. Or, let's say the power goes out. Can't watch television, can't play video games, can't waste battery on your phone or lap top. So what do you do? You play a drinking game, obviously. Also, if it is a blizzard, and the heat goes out, blankets can only do so much. That's where whiskey comes in. Guaranteed warmth all over.

So next time Mayor Bloomberg or The National Weather Service predicts a horrifying storm of some kind, remember Step 1: Buy Alcohol.

2. Your friend's Netflix username and password
If you're lucky enough to keep your power, then obviously you need something completely unproductive to do for hour and hours on end. Let's be honest, you could do homework or you could do laundry or you could work out. But that's annoying. And there are five seasons of Parks and Recreation on Netflix just waiting for you to watch them. See?

I mean, really, how could you resist? So, you do what any sane and morally ambiguous college student should do. You ask your friend for their Netflix username and password. Because to pay for your own Netflix account would be way too legal and make way too much sense.

So that's why next storm, make sure you can kill 24 straight hours watching Parks and Rec or whatever show thanks to a Netflix account you aren't even paying for.

3. Healthy and sustaining* snacks
*By healthy and sustaining, I mean anything that tastes good. Oreos and peanut butter, for example.*
Stock up on the essentials. You don't know if you'll be able to make it to White Castle or McDonald's for the next few days, so make sure you get healthy and sustaining* snacks that will keep you full and energized throughout the storm.

So when you go to 7/11 to buy these healthy* snacks, make sure to splurge on the family sized bag of chips, and get both salsa and guacamole. And Oreos and Chips Ahoy and peanut butter and nutella and frozen pizza and Ben and Jerry's and M&M's.

Seriously. If you don't get these healthy and sustaining snacks you'll probably die. Storms are brutal and these are the snacks that keep every college kid alive during the hardest of times.

4. More alcohol
Just in case, you know?

List of Super Bowl Sunday's Most Important Events *hint: the game is last*

1. Beyoncé
Earlier today, as I walked down Ninth Avenue, I passed a bar with a sign out front that read "Come enjoy the Beyoncé concert here today... Oh, and the Super Bowl too." For this reason, I know I'm not alone in this belief that Bey will be the best part of Super Bowl Sunday. I'm almost one hundred percent positive that you don't need any explanation as to why, but I will give you one nonetheless, because I am a gentleman.

• Reasons 1-47 can be found on BuzzFeed's List of Beyoncé's 47 Absolute Best Dance Moves. Take a look. You won't regret it. 
• She did this at her press conference in New Orleans on Thursday, in case anyone still had doubts that she could sing following the Inauguration in January.  
• Beyoncé has over seven million followers (more than four times than Pope Benedict) on Twitter and has only tweeted four times ever.
• Beyoncé Bingo is a real thing that is happening during the halftime show.  

2. Friends and (only your favorite) Family
Super Bowl Sunday is kind of an unofficial national holiday, when nobody works, everyone drinks, and we all get to spend time together. BUT there's no requirement to invite your weird aunt from Cherry Hill or your unbearably awkward cousins from Huntington like you have to on Christmas or Easter or your fifth birthday.

So really, Super Bowl Sunday is like the perfect friends and (normal) family get together. Best of both worlds, y'know?

3. Commercials

Companies set new spending records every year for a coveted commercial slot in the Super Bowl, but I'm not mad. The commercials each year KILL IT. I spend each down of the game on the edge of my seat, hoping and praying that a commercial break is next. For example  

4. The Snacks

Seven-layer dip, chips, wings, hot wings, tangy wings, mild wings, pretzels, fruit trays that look like the SuperDome, cookies, beer, wine.... You get the picture. Snacks on snacks on snacks.

5. Last and probably least (unless you're a Ravens fan): The Game

Football is wonderful and you're a communist if you don't love football, right? 

Whatever. I'm not excited for the game, and I really don't know anyone else who is, except for my one friend Jeff who is from Baltimore, and this is the Ravens first time to the Super Bowl in a really long time, I guess. But he's about it. I mean, I can tell you what's going to happen in the game. The players will throw the ball, and sometimes they will catch it and sometimes they won't catch it, and they might score some points in the end zone.

BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT BEYONCE WILL DO OR HOW AMAZING THAT WILL BE, OR HOW TASTY THE SNACKS MIGHT BE OR HOW FUNNY THE COMMERCIALS WILL BE, so that's why everything else is better than the game. 

Am I right or am I right?