Helpful Procrastination Hints from the World's Best Procrastinator

It's finals. You should be studying. OR SHOULD YOU? Here are the absolute BEST ways to procrastinate writing that lame 20 page paper that's due tomorrow.

1. GO PLAY OUTSIDE NOW. 
I don't know whose idea it was to put finals in the nicest part of the year, but that person must've been a masochist to the max. It's been blizzarding and sleeting and just plain miserable outside ALL semeester, and now that it's beautiful outside, we are supposed to stay in a library and read? Please. I'll read when I'm dead.

Go play outside. (Study if/when it rains.)

2. Watch Every Rebel Wilson YouTube Video on the Internet

Start with this one. And just go on a spree. Rebel on Jimmy Fallon, Rebel on Leno, Rebel anywhere. It's great. But while you've got this Rebel and Ellen video pulled up, you might just wanna spend some quality Youtube time with Ellen as well. But that's not an entirely new idea, why don't we make that
2.5. Watch Ellen videos on YouTube. Ellen scaring people is pretty great. Actually, Ellen in general is pretty great, so she is a great way to spend procrastination time too.

3. BuzzFeed
Videos of cats dressed as sharks on a rumba vaccuum cleaner chasing a duckling... I mean does it get any better?? Maybe if you like lists about why the 90s were the best, or pictures of puppies, or just hilarious reflections on the latest in politics. BuzzFeed is the world's best way to procrastinate.

4. Just kind of being 20 or 21 or 22.
Life is short. Maybe you should take a random trip to Central Park or Coney Island or even to a random coffee shop in Brooklyn. One of my favorite memories of last semester is the time my friends and I got Dunkin and sat in the parking lot and watched a storm roll in above us. It was so simple, but so awesome. Time with friends. I don't know. It's fun.

These are just a fewwwww ideas. And don't seriously mess up your finals by procrastinating. But a healthy break from the library every now and then is warranted. 

Why is everyone so horrible at dating in their twenties?

I'm gonna be upfront. This week's entry was inspired by this entirely too real post from BuzzFeed. It talks about dating in your twenties, and it's the most real thing I've seen in years. Take a gander.

But as the BuzzFeed article points out, and as my fragmented soul also points out, people in their twenties are THE ABSOLUTE WORST at dating, or really, just being decent human beings in general... But that just sounds irrational and rude, so let me explain in a structured manner, okay?

1. High school dating was easy, and now, everything sucks.

In high school, you and your significant other could just be a boss, and the pressure was minimal. If you didn't go out to dinner all the time, or if the height proportions between the two of you weren't perfect, it didn't matter because you were high school students, and love was a new thing. It was something fresh and exciting, and just being together was enough. Sure you could get hurt, but you could recover quickly, because pressure was low and there were 20 other boys or girls in your class who you could date. We were all growing together, and mistakes weren't really mistakes because no one gets married in high school... But now that we're in our twenties, the pressure is on, and every mistake we make is another reason for someone to stop dating us.

Thanks, high school, for these wonderfully realistic expectations about what dating is like.
^sarcasm

2. The misconception that: if you're not having sex, you're bad at dating. WTF. Who thought this was a cool thing to tell the entire 20-29 y/o populace?

Maybe I am nun, or maybe I should have lived in the 1820s, but the pressure to "hook up" - no matter how you define "hook up" - is really annoying. All anyone talks about on a Saturday or Sunday is who they woke up next to that morning, or what weird and exotic things they tried with their boyfriend/girlfriend of three days the night before. (Don't get me wrong, I understand that it's fun, and like, of course I've made mistakes before or whatever.) But I also know that it's hard to completely separate the physical from the emotional. I'm sure most of the male species will disagree and want to murder me, but physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are directly correlated and you can't expect one to exist without the other. Hooking up will surely complicate any relationship - whether it's a friendship or acquaintanceship - and things will be messy, messy, messy.

So. Am I crazy for wanting to know someone's last name or like, go on a few dates before really hooking up? Maybe I am a nun. Or maybe I'm Shoshanna from Girls. Whatever. #noregretz

3. Twenty-six is the new fourteen, aka the Age of "What Is Going On" and the Era of "Who Am I?"

I don't know if it's social media or the changin' times or what, but nowadays, people are still figuring themselves out at age 26 and on into their thirties. And maybe it's always been that way, but my parents got married at 21 and 22. I am NO WHERE near ready to get married. I need to figure myself out before I can add someone else to the mix and expect it to be smooth sailing. In our twenties, we change jobs and career paths, we move cities, we volunteer in Africa, and who the heck can do that stuff on tope of a serious relationship? Not me.


I don't know.
I say all of this to explain why dating sucks so much in your twenties. But the frustrating reality is that I would love to be in a stable relationship. And I would settle down if I met the right person. And everyone says that's weird, but like, don't we all want that? Isn't that why we date?
For now, it's a frustrating back-and-forth between wanting to date everyone and wanting to date no one, because everyone is awful at dating and moreover everyone is awful at being decent human beings. I only know one couple in their twenties that is doing it right, but I think they're the exception to the rule. So congrats, Nikki and Michael.


As for me. I'm just going to date Nutella until someone more perfect (if that's even possible) comes along.

Things You Need Right Now to Enjoy the Warmer Weather

The windows on this Ram Van are rolled down, flowers are blooming, tank tops are out, and if you're like me, you are READY TO ENJOY THIS WEATHER. So, here's a list of things you'll need if you want to have a flawless Spring and Summer. You're welcome.

1. Margaritas
Like, a lot of margaritas. I don't care if you're a guy, or a girl who is "watching her weight," no one is too good for a margarita. Also. I recently discovered that Chipotle sells margaritas! Is there anything better than a fast food marg? NO.

(I'm pretty sure Ghandi said this^, so you need to respect it...)

2. A dog, or a friend who will let you borrow their dog. 
This is the time to exercise in the park. It is also the time for spring-flings or summer lovin'. Only a dog can run with you, AND attract strangers (who are hopefully attractive.) "Oh my gosh. Is this your dog? He's adorable! And so are you!" ...happily ever after.

3. A volleyball or a frisbee.
Something sporty enough to make you look at least a little athletic at the park or on the beach, but something soft enough that won't hurt when you miss it and it hits you in the face. Trust me, I know.

4. Connections
You MUST make friends with someone who lives on the Jersey Shore, has a house in the Hamptons or your summer will be significantly less fun. Maybe this is incredibly superficial, but do what you need to  to find one of these people. It'll be one of the most important relationships in your life. #richfriends

5. Abs
Everyone wants to flirt with someone who has nice abs. If you don't have abs, paint them on, or invest in one of these...

(leave the potato chips at home though.)

That's all for today. Get outside and ENJOY THIS WEATHER!

"A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you."

I don't think this is really the right venue for this, and I doubt any of you will care about this at all, but these are heavy words and I don't want to carry them inside too much longer. The words aren't a burdensome kind of heavy, but they're heavy with emotions - love, pride, loyalty, affection, protectiveness, joy, shared memories.


Whatever.

I want to write about my friend, so I will. If this post even conveys three percent of the incredible person she is, then I'll be satisfied. And I promise, at least some of this post will be funny. So read it.

Tara 

(This is Tara and I at the VIP after-party for the Australian Ballet's premier of Swan Lake. nbd.)

This past summer, I visited Tara and her family in Buffalo, New York for fun. Tara and I went to see the new Batman movie, and when we got out of the theatre, the sun was beginning to set. The weather was beautiful, and Tara looked around, checked her watch, and turned to me. "Come on. Let's go," she said. She turned, and ran to her car. I chased after her, and I hardly buckled my seat belt before she put the pedal to metal. The minivan probably neared 180 mph, or at least that's what it felt like. We drove up, up, up to the top of a hill, and she slammed the car into park once we reached the top. "Come on! Come on!" She hopped out of the car and ran to a grassy area at the end of the parking lot. What the hell is going on? I thought.  When I finally caught up to her, I lost my breath. I got it. I got why she was running, and speeding, and why our minivan doubled as a spaceship for ten minutes. She wanted to beat the sunset. And she did.

At the top of the hill, there was a wooden hanging swing. We sat on the swing, and I'm sure whatever words I have won't accurately describe what we saw. 

The sky was burning pink and orange and soft purple clouds streaked the sky. Way far away, windmills spun on the cliffs overlooking Lake Eerie, or at least that's what Tara told me they were. We played our favorite song on my phone, and watched the sun sink into the lake. A light breeze lifted the hairs on the back of my neck, and with the sun, and the music, and my best friend next to me on this swing, I felt perfect. Like. To quote The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is one of my favorite books, I felt "infinite."

I would've been okay staying there, in that moment, forever. 

But since that's impossible, I have to be content with just being her best friend in all the places that aren't a hilltop overlooking Lake Eerie. But that's fine with me too. She is so giving and sincere and selfless and we laugh so much and we drink coffee and drink other things and get up early to study together and go visit my grandma and I honestly wouldn't trade any of these memories for anything. But that time on the hill is a pretty good memory, and I that's why I shared it.

And in case this post wasn't annoying enough already, here's some Taylor Swift lyrics that make me think of her:

Will you take a moment, promise me this
That you'll stand by me forever
But if God forbid fate should step in
And force us into a goodbye
If you have children some day
When they point to the pictures
Please tell them my name
Tell them how the crowds went wild
Tell them how I hope they shine

Long live the walls we crashed through
I had the time of my life, with you
Long, long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid
Singing, long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
And long, long live that look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders
One day, we will be remembered.

The Worst Kinds of Ram Van (or subway/bus/plane/train) Riders

Alright. So perhaps my blog isn't Fordham-centric enough to support a title like #RamVanRants. So while I brainstorm another title, here's a post that brings this a little closer to home, which for me, is basically the Ram Van.

There are a a few types of people who (sorry to say it) completely and totally suck to be stuck next to on the Ram Van. Here they are:

Cell Phone Sally

I don't mean to stereotype this rider as female, but in my experience, the chattiest cell phone talkers tend to be girls, giving their best friends relationship advice for thirty minutes straight... Every single other passenger is dead quiet, but Cell Phone Sally is shrieking advice into her pink iPhone 5 like the rest of us really want to hear it too. "No. Maggie. Just call him and ask if he's sleeping with Kate. She's filthy, and if he's even friends with her, you shouldn't even waste your time on him anyway. Trust me, girl. Okay. Kisses. Bye."

Cool. Keep it classy, Cell Phone Sally.

Doesn't-Understand-Headphones Dan

I love listening to music on the Ram Van, or subway, or whatever - especially if there's a Cell Phone Sally around. However, I use headphones, and I use them correctly. But apparently, knowing how to use headphones correctly is a rare talent that an astounding amount of Ram Van Riders don't have. A brief description of how to use headphones: 

1. Wear them on your head, over your ears. 

2. Play music loud enough so that you can hear it, BUT NOT LOUD ENOUGH THAT EVERYONE WITHIN A HALF MILE CAN HEAR IT. 

3. Enjoy your music.

Step two is where Doesn't-Understand-Headphones Dan goes wrong. For some reason, he thinks headphones represent the opportunity to share his music tastes with the rest of Ram Van. No, Dan, that's what a radio is for. Headphones are an invention that allow you to enjoy your music within the confines of your own head. Turn that volume down, Dan.

Cuddly Cody

This last one might be my least favorite kind of Ram Van Rider. You know when you're on the Ram Van, and there are like, ten seats still open and the driver is getting ready to leave, because there's only a minute until departure time, and then one last minute rider hops on? But whatever, it's chill, right, because there are ten empty seats on the van. Right? 

WRONG. Cuddly Cody picks the seat next you because that's a totally normal thing to do. UGH. I WISH IT LEGAL TO TAZE PEOPLE LIKE THIS. CUDDLY CODY YOU DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT. 

Stupid Mistakes

I usually write about something fluffy or funny or just about alcohol in general, but I did something stupid this week. I invited an ex to come stay with me in NYC for a week this summer. 

I'm sure you're probably thinking, that was stupid, or you can still get out of that, or something along those lines. But the strange truth is that I don't think I regret it. I know we aren't right for each other in the slightest, but some part of me - the lonely part, I guess - is hoping that this visit actually happens. 

I think it's because your ex knows you, you know? Knows what makes you tick, knows what you're comfortable doing physically, knows what you need emotionally... Whether or not they actually do those things is another story. 

But even as I'm writing this, I'm hating the words that I type. I sound pathetic and needy and whiny. But I think that, in my mind, maybe things might work out this time around (but I know they won't, or at least that they shouldn't. Lest my emotional stability be tossed to the wind.) 

I'm hoping I'm not the only person who does stupid stuff like invite their ex to stay with them for a week. I know I'm at least a little more emotionally stable than the four main characters on Girls.... 

But not by much. 

My cousin is cuter than yours...

Super short post because this is the craziest week of my life. But here's my cousin.

You can be jealous.

Spring Break Do's and Don't's

Sorry this is late. I was on Spring Break and I recently turned 21 and that's all the excuse I need for the tardiness of this post. Forgive me.

Anyway, as you know, March is prime Spring Break season for colleges across the country so I figured I could offer some advice to those students who have yet to begin their break, or for those of us who are already planning next year's extravaganza. All of the following bits of advice come from personal experiences.

DO - go to the bars and talk in an Australian accent. People will flock to you and buy you drinks because apparently, being an Australian automatically makes you the coolest person in the building.

DON"T - go around talking in an Australian accent and run into two guys who are actually from Australia, because then they start asking what neighborhood you're from and where you went to high school. And you have no clue what to say because you actually grew up in Texas and now you're that guy who just lied to the entire bar.

DO - play sand volleyball on the beach for three hours

DON'T - be the whitest person ever and forget to wear sunscreen while you're playing sand volleyball on the beach for three hours...

DO - celebrate your 21st birthday at a fancy restaurant

DON"T - forget your ID and celebrate your 21st at a fancy restaurant with a nice tall glass of ice water.

DO - go crazy and have a blast.

DON'T - take it for granted. If you're lucky enough to spend time on the beach or even just a nice week at home, you're luckier than most. Don't forget to say thanks and make memories that will always warm you, especially when you fly back to NYC and it snows on St. Patrick's Day. #buzzkill

It's My 21st BirthdayYyY (and I'm not drunk (yet))

I know it's probably not politically correct to talk about being drunk in a public, albeit online, forum, but whatever. I'm 21 twenty-one today so YOLO. Am I right or am I right?

So in honor of myself, I figure today's post can feature some of my favorite things. (I swear I'm not actually this arrogant. This is just my online "voice," which is hopefully at least a little funny, and not just annoying.) Anyway, my favorite things:

1. Grandma Franny

I know everyone thinks their grandma is the best. Rest assured, mine is the actual best. She grew up in NYC and played hide-and-seek in the Met, because they knew the night guard there. Her family, headed by two Irish immigrants, lived through the Depression and never wanted for anything. "We had nothing, but we had everything," she's always saying. She called off an engagement at 19, because she knew she loved my grandfather.

"When you find the person you're supposed to be with, you'll know." - Grandma Franny

She's as funny as Ellen Degeneres and as generous as Oprah Winfrey on the "Favorite Things" episode. She knows how to share love and joy with no money at all. Like, her priorities are so in order, but maybe that's something that comes with 87 years of living.

Plus she can out-drink me and my cousins put together, so there's that.

2. Christmas

I mean, really, who doesn't love Christmas, or Chanukah, or whatever winter holiday you celebrate? When it's cold and dreary, December brings this wonderful opportunity to take a break from school and work, and spend time with your family and friends - just eating, drinking, and getting presents. How does it get any better???

Plus, the movies that time of year are PRIME. From best to not best, here are the ones that make Christmas so great:

1. Elf. Here's a video of me reenacting the film's best moments. Enjoy.
2. Home Alone 2. (Yes, it's better than the original. BuzzFeed agrees.)
3. Home Alone.
4. It's a Wonderful Life.
5. A Christmas Story

But on top of all of this, this YouTube video is every reason you'd ever need to love Christmas, if the aforementioned feature films aren't good enough.


3. Iced coffee, puppies, granola, Beyoncé, music in general, poetry, wakeboarding, social media, meeting people, taking pictures (especially if I'm in them), dancing, hot coffee, the beach.

But most importantly, Grandma Franny and Christmas....




Happy birthday to me and cheers to my favorite things.

Everything you need to know about the Oscars in case you missed them

1. Jennifer Lawrence is a flawless human being.
First there was Jesus. Then Beyoncé. Now we have Jennifer Lawrence. Sure she fell on her way up to accept her best actress Oscar (at age twenty-freaking-two), but whatever. She looked beautiful, and she fell just to remind us that she is a human and we aren't so different, us and her. She also made these sixteen faces throughout the night.

What. A. Boss.

Then, after winning best actress, she took a shot and answered questions for the press. This was the incredibly awesome result.

And finally, in case you aren't totally convinced, just see what happened when Jack Nicholson totally fangirled out over J-Law.

2. Seth MacFarlane was sort of funny, but mostly just sexist.
We knew going into the evening, that the Family Guy creator would likely be offensive, and definitely a little edgier in terms of his comedy. But to what degree? Well, instead of targeting certain celebs directly, MacFarlane seemed to target whole groups in his jokes, but what ended up happening was just kind of a vague sense of sexism and racism and homophobia in his stint as host. For example: his boobs song in the show's first five minutes:

In a place that has only recognized a woman as best director once in its 85 year history, sexist jokes might not have been the best route to take to score laughs, but who am I to say? I wasn't asked to host... yet.

3. Adele was as perfect as you thought she'd be

She won the "Best Original Song" Oscar for "Skyfall." Also, she has a last name and it's Adkins. Whaddyaknow...

4. The presenters were more fun to watch than the winners

For example:

- Renee Zellweger couldn't see or read the envelope. TWICE

- Meryl Streep is so badass that she didn't even open the envelope to announce Daniel Day Lewis as best actor

- Google Sandra Bullock Oscar envelope. Right now. Do it.

Let me know if you have any other questions. But you probably won't. Those are all the highlights.

What I Learned at Convention (AKA Camp for Grown Ups)

I should be honest. I'm not writing this week's post from the Ram Van. I'm writing this one from an American Airlines plane and right now I'm probably somewhere over Pennsylvania... maybe? I'm headed home from the NACA Convention in Nashville. NACA stands for National Association of Campus Activities... But being at convention (which is basically sleep away camp for grown ups) has made me realize a few things about groups and what makes people excited when they're in big groups. It's kinda sad...

1. People Will Cheer For Anything
So at this convention, there were several "main stages" which featured comedians and magicians and singers, and after the seventh main stage, something struck me. People will cheer for anything, especially when prompted. It got out of hand. People were looking for a chance to cheer every other sentence.

Example A - Day 1:
Magician: Thanks, for having me. My name is Mitchell and I grew up in New York City.
Everyone from New York or anyone who has been to New York: *loud applause and cheers*

Example B - Day 2:
Comedian: Hey guys, I was at McDonald's the other day...
Everyone who has been to McDonald's: *cheering* YES! Me too, oh my God!!! Big Macs and value meals!!

Example C - Day 4:
Singer: So I broke up with my girlfriend last week.
Everyone who has ever had a girlfriend, thought of a girl, is a girl, or has seen a girl ever: *loud applause* YES! Girls! Friends! Me too! I know about those!! *cheers*

Not even kidding. Mob mentality at its finest. (Shout out to Mrs. Ingram, my high school freshman year English teacher, who taught me about mob mentality). People just like to yell, and when the group next to them is yelling, they just want to yell louder. If you're yelling, then I'm yelling, and I will yell louder than you because I want people to envy my yelling talents. But by the end of the week, people were cheering about things that they didn't even know about or that were relatively depressing. (See example C). It was weird.

2. People Will Take a Picture with Anyone (or Anything)
So at this convention, there was a wide array of C and D list celebrities that spoke to these overzealous, crazy-cheering audiences. From a character on NBC's Parks and Rec who has only a few more lines than the desk she sits at (not saying I don't like it; she's hilarious) to a former child star who quit acting, raced cars for a little while, and is now in a band, these Hollywood hotties graced us with their presence at the convention this week. But of course, the crowds at the convention didn't treat them like normal humans, or even normal actors. No. At a convention, everything is the most exciting. So crowds waited for hours on end to take a picture with these "big stars" in hopes that the picture will get at least 12 likes on FaceBook.

Also, I don't know why I keep saying "these people" or "the crowds." I did the same damn thing, because f*ck it. It's convention.

Here's me and some friends with Retta from Parks and Rec.

 Here we are again with Frankie Muniez who was slightly famous ten years ago...

And here's me with a monkey.

And a boa constrictor.

Yolo.

3. Conventions are more exhausting than 14 back to back marathons 
Look, I don't know how it happens, since conventions mostly consist of watching performances, taking photos with people or things that don't matter, and eating, but I was exhausted at the end of every day. Granted, we had full schedules from 9 to midnight most days, but nothing in those schedules were physically demanding. Nonetheless, I hardly made it back to the hotel bed each night before I passed OUT.

It must be some weird phenomenon. Like how Paris makes people more romantic and the south makes people less open minded, conventions make people more exhausted. I don't know. But it helps explain why people were cheering for things that they absolutely didn't need to cheer for by the end of the week. They were exhausted and delirious. Obviously.

When Mother Nature Strikes: A College Student's Survival Guide

NATURAL DISASTER. WHAT DO WE DO?!?!?!?!?!

Between Hurricane Sandy and Nemo the Blizzard, I have become an expert on what it takes to outwit Mother Nature, when she comes at you swingin'... at least if you're on a college campus. So here for your information - free of charge - is the foolproof list of things every college student needs to survive a hurricane or blizzard.

1. Alcohol
A lot of people think, "Oh dear, let me stock up on water or soup in case I'm stuck in my home during this storm." That kind of thinking will ensure the most boring of all storms. Listen. If you want water during a storm, throw open the window and hold a cup out there for a little while. It'll be full in no time.

Alcohol on the other hand, is necessary to storm survival for many reasons. If you start stressing that your dorm room is about to float away with the flood waters, take a sip of wine, and you're automatically less anxious. Or, let's say the power goes out. Can't watch television, can't play video games, can't waste battery on your phone or lap top. So what do you do? You play a drinking game, obviously. Also, if it is a blizzard, and the heat goes out, blankets can only do so much. That's where whiskey comes in. Guaranteed warmth all over.

So next time Mayor Bloomberg or The National Weather Service predicts a horrifying storm of some kind, remember Step 1: Buy Alcohol.

2. Your friend's Netflix username and password
If you're lucky enough to keep your power, then obviously you need something completely unproductive to do for hour and hours on end. Let's be honest, you could do homework or you could do laundry or you could work out. But that's annoying. And there are five seasons of Parks and Recreation on Netflix just waiting for you to watch them. See?

I mean, really, how could you resist? So, you do what any sane and morally ambiguous college student should do. You ask your friend for their Netflix username and password. Because to pay for your own Netflix account would be way too legal and make way too much sense.

So that's why next storm, make sure you can kill 24 straight hours watching Parks and Rec or whatever show thanks to a Netflix account you aren't even paying for.

3. Healthy and sustaining* snacks
*By healthy and sustaining, I mean anything that tastes good. Oreos and peanut butter, for example.*
Stock up on the essentials. You don't know if you'll be able to make it to White Castle or McDonald's for the next few days, so make sure you get healthy and sustaining* snacks that will keep you full and energized throughout the storm.

So when you go to 7/11 to buy these healthy* snacks, make sure to splurge on the family sized bag of chips, and get both salsa and guacamole. And Oreos and Chips Ahoy and peanut butter and nutella and frozen pizza and Ben and Jerry's and M&M's.

Seriously. If you don't get these healthy and sustaining snacks you'll probably die. Storms are brutal and these are the snacks that keep every college kid alive during the hardest of times.

4. More alcohol
Just in case, you know?

List of Super Bowl Sunday's Most Important Events *hint: the game is last*

1. Beyoncé
Earlier today, as I walked down Ninth Avenue, I passed a bar with a sign out front that read "Come enjoy the Beyoncé concert here today... Oh, and the Super Bowl too." For this reason, I know I'm not alone in this belief that Bey will be the best part of Super Bowl Sunday. I'm almost one hundred percent positive that you don't need any explanation as to why, but I will give you one nonetheless, because I am a gentleman.

• Reasons 1-47 can be found on BuzzFeed's List of Beyoncé's 47 Absolute Best Dance Moves. Take a look. You won't regret it. 
• She did this at her press conference in New Orleans on Thursday, in case anyone still had doubts that she could sing following the Inauguration in January.  
• Beyoncé has over seven million followers (more than four times than Pope Benedict) on Twitter and has only tweeted four times ever.
• Beyoncé Bingo is a real thing that is happening during the halftime show.  

2. Friends and (only your favorite) Family
Super Bowl Sunday is kind of an unofficial national holiday, when nobody works, everyone drinks, and we all get to spend time together. BUT there's no requirement to invite your weird aunt from Cherry Hill or your unbearably awkward cousins from Huntington like you have to on Christmas or Easter or your fifth birthday.

So really, Super Bowl Sunday is like the perfect friends and (normal) family get together. Best of both worlds, y'know?

3. Commercials

Companies set new spending records every year for a coveted commercial slot in the Super Bowl, but I'm not mad. The commercials each year KILL IT. I spend each down of the game on the edge of my seat, hoping and praying that a commercial break is next. For example  

4. The Snacks

Seven-layer dip, chips, wings, hot wings, tangy wings, mild wings, pretzels, fruit trays that look like the SuperDome, cookies, beer, wine.... You get the picture. Snacks on snacks on snacks.

5. Last and probably least (unless you're a Ravens fan): The Game

Football is wonderful and you're a communist if you don't love football, right? 

Whatever. I'm not excited for the game, and I really don't know anyone else who is, except for my one friend Jeff who is from Baltimore, and this is the Ravens first time to the Super Bowl in a really long time, I guess. But he's about it. I mean, I can tell you what's going to happen in the game. The players will throw the ball, and sometimes they will catch it and sometimes they won't catch it, and they might score some points in the end zone.

BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT BEYONCE WILL DO OR HOW AMAZING THAT WILL BE, OR HOW TASTY THE SNACKS MIGHT BE OR HOW FUNNY THE COMMERCIALS WILL BE, so that's why everything else is better than the game. 

Am I right or am I right? 

That Girl You Never Want to See but Always End Up Seeing

Okay. You've heard of Whack-a-Mole, right? That game where the moles pop up over and over again and annoy you until you hit them with a hammer? 

Well that's basically my relationship with this girl I know named Courtney.* 

I'm not kidding. She pops up everywhere, just like the moles from Whack-a-Mole, and always at the most inopportune times. This week alone, I saw her four times (not intentionally). And it wouldn't be too bad, but there's just something about her that's incredibly irksome. It might be her weirdo fifth grade pigtails that she's always wearing. Or it could be her complete and total lack of social self-awareness. 

She always blabbers on and on, and thwarts any attempts to escape the conversation. So you can imagine my frustration when twice this week, I met a friend in a Starbucks to talk about semi-private and fairly heavy things, and Courtney whack-a-moled her way into our conversations and stayed forever despite obvious hints that our conversation was private. But this was in a Starbucks on campus, so I guess I kind of understand why I kept seeing her there. 

But - and I kid you not - when I got a text saying "I'm waving to you through the windows at your work," I almost died. WHAT? How did she find me here, in another borough of the city? Are her pigtails hiding some crazy antennae that let her know where I am at all times? Is she really just a Jumanji-style Whack-a-Mole that I accidentally brought to life?

Dramatic, maybe. But it's getting out of hand. I'm afraid that she's lurking around every corner, just waiting to launch into a conversation about her socks that are a nice blend of cotton and nylon, or her mom's cousin who bought a green car. She's perfectly nice in small doses, but if she pops up in my shower soon (which I'm almost certain will happen any day now), I might lose it.

*named changed so I don't seem like as much of a heartless monster.

Attacked by a Dinosaur (and other short stories)

As I sit on this Ram Van, reflecting on my morning, I find myself caught in between amusement and an overwhelming sensation similar to PTSD. You might ask, "why?" Or you might ask, "should I call someone?" Or you might ask, "are you schizophrenic?" No, let me explain.
I intern at a popular morning show which films in midtown. It's a blast. I always have fun when I'm working, and I know I'm one of a very small percentage of the population who is fortunate enough to say that. So please, don't think that I'm complaining about my internship at all. I'm not. I love it.
But when you're attacked by a dinosaur at 9 in the morning, it's hard not be at least a little traumatized, you know?

On the show, the producers often book some surprises for the anchors. Jack Hanna and a baby snow leopard, or Oprah, for example. This week, however, they brought a life-sized incredibly realistic looking dinosaur that blinked and roared and ran around. Apparently some theme park in Australia is promoting the new dinosaur attractions they've invented. It was funny and surprising until it came over to me and invaded my personal space. (See photos below.)
Just so you know, I am not afraid of roller coasters. I am not afraid of spiders. I am not afraid of the deep end. I am however, afraid of life-sized dinosaurs that are either trying to cuddle or eat me. I'm still not sure which, on account of I was trying to survive instead of pondering the dinosaur's intentions toward me...

Anyway, that's my #RamVanRant for today. Never a dull moment, I suppose.